Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Life Support

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens,just pull the plug"

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Andy Rooney's Junk Mail Tips

For telemarketers:

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas:

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----

I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

They were lost.

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good Morning Alex."

"Good morning, sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.

The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

New Texas Law

-WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress isconsidering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, thenational highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.

The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot alawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issueshunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to baga lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license.

Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds,deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp"will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.

The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp"comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it willgenerate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year.

Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Ain't This the Pits

Stay tuned for random pits and pieces.